“Growing in Grace” Couples’ Devotional | Day 5

Serving Your Spouse

We often like to ask our older married friends, if they could share one golden nugget of wisdom to newer couples, what it would be. In response, one couple shared a principle that has helped them to keep in mind, which is that, “If the husband is always looking out for the needs of the wife, and the wife is always looking out for the needs of the husband, then everyone’s needs are always met!”

Now, while this seems like a great principle in theory, the actual outworking of it to produce a consistently joyful marriage would unfortunately be a highly unattainable experience. We’re all faulty human beings, and for the majority of relationships the question would naturally arise, “Well, what if my spouse isn’t doing their part?” If spouses only commit to caring for the other’s needs with the expectation that their needs will be cared for in return, disappointment is inevitable. 

And when this disappointment inevitably comes—whether your spouse drops the ball for a just one moment, many days, or several years—the real life question that we need addressed is, “How do I continue to serve my spouse when they are not serving me?” And by God’s amazing grace, we have not been left without the answer. 

Selfless service is the foundation of God’s kingdom. Though this earth has been marred by sin, we still see evidences all throughout creation of the fact that nothing was designed to live for itself. Where selflessness reigns, life and relationships flourish.

The bright beams of this agape love that we still see shining through God’s creation are a reflection of His own character. His love and blessing and mercy ever flow out unconditionally to His creatures, and our experience is dependent wholly upon whether we choose to receive or reject them. This principle was magnified for us to witness in the earthly life of Jesus. The Son of God was fully at rest in His reception of His Father’s blessings, never fearing that anything good would be withheld from Him. He took no thought for His own temporal needs—where He would sleep, what He would eat or drink, or how He would be clothed. As He testified:

Matthew 6:32-33 “For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”

The focus of Jesus’ earthly life was solely to do the will of His Father in manifesting His love to human beings—aka. meeting our needs. He was wholly focused on serving His Father, and thus serving us (His bride, Rev. 19:7), and trusted wholeheartedly that His Father would take care of all His needs. 

 Just as the marriage relationship is designed to reflect the relationship between the Father and Son, it is also meant to reflect the relationship between Christ and His church. As Paul counselled the believers in Ephesus, 

Ephesians 5:24-25 “Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,”

I want us to deeply consider the implications of Christ being in the role of “husband,” and ask ourselves, “Is His wife meeting His needs?”

If we are being honest, we would have to say, “No.” Of course the degree to which the bride of Christ has offered true respect, trust, and devotion to Christ has fluctuated throughout history, but as a whole, the bride of Christ has never fully met Christ’s needs in returning the love that He has shown her. In fact, the love He has shown her far outweighs any love that she could ever hope to show in return. 

So the question then is, how does Christ continue to serve her so selflessly? 

And the answer is that she is not the source of His love. 

Please re-read that statement. Let it sink in. Christ’s bride, His wife, never has been and never will be His source of love.

So then, who is?

John 3:35 “The Father loves the Son, and has given all things into His hand.” 

Matthew 3:17 “This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”

Jesus not only receives all of the rest, provision, and protection He needs from His Father, but He also receives all the love, acceptance, and appreciation He needs. God is an ever-flowing, never-failing fountain of love, and Jesus, drinking freely from this fountain every day, never lacks the love He needs to give to His bride. 

This, I believe, is the key to being able to serve our spouses selflessly (or anyone else for that matter). First, we must acknowledge that love is a real need of God’s created beings—just as real for us humans as oxygen, food, or water. God designed us to live and flourish in the stream of receiving and giving love. Second, we must realize that our spouse, our parent, our sister, our brother, our friend, or ourselves, can never and will never be an adequate source of love for us. Every human is a faulty vessel, and trying to drink from broken vessels will only leave us disappointed and thirsty. 

Jeremiah 2:13 “For My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and hewn themselves cisterns—broken cisterns that can hold no water.”

If we genuinely desire to give selfless love to our spouse, love that expects nothing in return, we must accept the fact that we cannot create this love ourselves. We must get it from somewhere, and the only unfailing source, Who is ever ready to fill our cup to overflowing, is our Father in heaven. 

We also must recognize that just as it is our own responsibility to inhale the oxygen that surrounds us, or to chew and swallow the food that is set before us, it is our responsibility to take in the evidences of God’s love for us that are available to us every day. We can read His Word, but are we believing what He has said? We can spend time in prayer, but are we receiving the comfort and wisdom He extends to us? We can hurry through our day trying to accomplish many “good” things, but are we taking time to recognize and appreciate His goodness and His beauty in people, experiences, and nature? The fountain is always flowing; it is up to us to choose to quench our thrist. 

Revelation 22:17 “And the Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let him who hears say, “Come!” And let him who thirsts come. Whoever desires, let him take the water of life freely.”

It is only with this water of life, flowing freely from the throne of God, that we can humbly wash the feet of our spouse, no matter what they have done or haven’t done. It is because He was filled with this water of life that Jesus could wash the feet of Judas, just hours before he would betray Him into the hands of murderers. It is because He receives all He needs from His Father, that Jesus can continually pour unconditional love upon us, bearing the pain of our burden and sin, even if we will never acknowledge Him or choose to love Him back. 

The only way, as a spouse, to become truly forgetful of our own needs, is not to rely upon our spouse to meet them, but to allow our heavenly Father to meet them. Then we will not be looking to our spouse to be our source, but we will see them as the one who we were designed to give to, not to take from. If we are receiving all we need from God, then the blessings that do come to us through our spouses (God-willing) will be the cherries on top of our experience, but not the bread that sustains us. 

This approach takes great humility, great meekness, but this is what Christ came to show us. He took the form of a bondservant in order to lead by example, and show us the way to true rest of soul and abundant life. 

There is great rest in being able to love and serve our spouses unconditionally, not relying upon them to fulfill our needs in return, because we are already fulfilled in God through Christ. And we can take great courage in the principle and promise that like begets like. 

I John 4:19 “We love Him because He first loved us.”

Galatians 6:7 “For whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.”

Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turns away wrath.”

I Peter 3:1 “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives,” 

Love begets love. Gentleness begets gentleness. Selfishness can only beget more selfishness, but service will beget service. 

Our willingness to selflessly serve our spouse will, by God’s grace, convict and give birth to the desire in their hearts to serve us in return.  

This same principle applies to the church body, as Paul is addressing. As more believers are willing to esteem others as better than themselves, freely receiving all they need from God so that they can look out for other’s interests above their own, this love will spread throughout the body and draw more members into selfless service for their brethren. 

The beautiful thing about this principle is that it only takes one person to start, and there will be a snowball effect. As the familiar song says, “It only takes one spark, to get a fire going…” May God help us learn how to serve our spouses as selflessly as Christ serves us each and every day, that His unconditional love may bring its warmth and light into our homes.

Make it Practical: Consider whenever you feel frustrated with your spouse: Are you focused on your own needs, and feeling that they’re not being met? First, take some time to draw close to God. The foundation of peace in the Christian walk is knowing that God supplies all of our needs, not our spouse. Second, allow God’s love to fill you so that you can continue serving your spouse unconditionally, and watch miracles begin to happen in your marriage.

💛