In late September of 2020, a friend who was unbelievably special to me fell asleep in Christ. Finding out that a loved one has passed is a moment you never forget. It was a Thursday morning when I logged onto Facebook, expecting to see nothing out of the ordinary. Then the message from our mutual friend appeared. “Dear Sabrina, I have very sad news to tell you…” I stared at the words that followed for a long, long moment. Time was frozen. My mind wouldn’t register the last name; didn’t want to understand. Joe… Joe who? Not our Joe… I’m sure many reading this can relate to those drawn out moments of complete confusion and denial.
But time begins to thaw, and as the gears of the mind do their work to make sense of the situation, they turn one by one, slowly locking into place. Click… click… click.
No.
And then there are no words. A wall of tears hid the message from my sight as the pain building inside threatened to break me in two. My body protectively curled in on itself as sobs began to shake my entire being. Not Joe… Not Joe… It was only a few minutes before I heard my fiance’s footsteps in the hallway—faster, faster. I felt his arms wrap around me and knew his eyes would find the laptop screen. Part of me wanted to shield him from coming into the pain. Then his audible “No’s” joined the chorus of those still repeating inside my head.
I’m very thankful that he was there when I found out. Someone else who knew Joe, who could feel what I felt—that it just couldn’t be true. That a world without Joe’s goofy smirks and bear hugs just didn’t make any sense.
We cried together for some time, but it still didn’t feel real. I started thinking about his family members, and that just became too much. Soon my mind shifted to numbness. There were things to do. We were leaving for Georgia tomorrow. I subconsciously decided that these emotions needed to be suppressed until a more convenient time. But I felt it was my responsibility to inform two of my closest friends, who also loved Joe dearly, and had been dearly loved by him. It turned out that they’d already found out, but I was thankful to have been given time to talk with them and try as I could to comfort them with God’s promises.
Friday was filled with packing, travelling, shopping, unpacking… Leading our young women’s Bible study on Zoom and having to share the news with another close friend. Feeling my emotions welling up and threatening to break free, but no—must keeping holding. Must be strong for them.
Saturday was filled with church activities—trying impossibly to pay attention to the sermon, doing my best to act normal during potluck lunch, a nature walk… Greeting many of our Georgia friends while trying to maintain my composure as those who’d found out gave their condolences. Hold… hold… hold…
By Saturday night, I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. As I climbed into another strange new bed, my resources failed me, and the dam finally broke. The sorrow felt unquenchable, like the pain pouring out of me would never, ever end. Several hours later, I thought my reservoir of tears must surely run dry soon. But with no hope of falling asleep in sight, I began desperately pleading with God for the gift of His comfort and peace. Not only for myself, but especially for Joe’s immediate family members. Over and over I claimed the promise that God gives good gifts to His children…
Soon I felt the need to find a heavier blanket, as heavy blankets had become a comfort for me since living with Joe and Sanda. Having gotten used to sleeping with the window cracked open to the chilly Canadian winter air, snuggling down beneath two comforters as well as a heavy fleece blanket, the weight had felt to me like being hugged as I slept. Now I felt the need for that hug more than ever. I got up to search and was relieved to find one in the closet. I threw it on top of the existing blanket and crawled back in, imagined that I was being hugged by God Himself, and soon drifted to sleep.
Then I received a beautiful dream.
In my dream I walked into the bedroom where I was currently sleeping, and found a large gift box sitting on the bed. It was bright white with a shimmery green ribbon and bow. I smiled as I remembered my prayer. “God gives good gifts to His children…” What had I asked Him for again? Oh yes… His comfort… His peace. I peeled open the box and saw fabric—a blanket! I half-lifted it, noticing its weight, and found another blanket beneath it.
As I removed the top blanket from the box, I noticed that they were both covered with beautiful colours and images. I unfolded the first one to discover a massive mural, first noticing in it many gorgeous scenes of nature. Farm fields, beaches, lakes, woods, snowy trails… Then I noticed the big brown farm house, and many different scenes involving people, dispersed throughout the nature scenes. I didn’t recognize them all but I soon realized that the mural represented the beauty of Joe’s earthly life—all the places he’d loved and had blessed by his presence, and the ways that he’d eternally impacted the lives of so many people. I admired the blanket for a long moment before my curiosity brought me back to the box. I gently set the first aside and reached for the next one. As I unfolded the second blanket, I was overwhelmed with the intense beauty of the scenes before me. The colours seemed too bright and the scenes too wonderful to even focus my eyes on, and I couldn’t describe them to you if I tried. But I knew with the wonder and joy threatening to burst my heart that it was a mural of heaven—of the indescribable glories of Joe’s next phase of life, which will never come to an end. As I stood there in awe, God spoke to my heart, and impressed me that meditating on these things—the beautiful testimony of Joe’s earthly life, and the glories of his life to come—is how I would experience the true comfort available to me. In the dream I reopened the earthly blanket, took a few more moments to admire it, then carefully folded it and placed it safely on a shelf, but chose the heavenly blanket to drape over my bed. I crawled in beneath it, curled up and fell asleep, as these verses played in my mind:
“If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.” Colossians 3:1-4
“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things… And the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:8-9
So this is my prayer for all who are missing the presence of loved ones who are at rest until the morning of the resurrection—that the God of peace will bless your minds and hearts. That He will help you to put on the helmet of salvation, keeping your mind fixed on eternal realities, above the trials and stresses of this life. We are but pilgrims here, and there’s more than enough evidence that this world is passing away. Sometimes we can’t feel God’s peace, because we’ve forgotten that His Word gives us perfect instructions on how to do so, and we have neglected those instructions—allowing the weight of our present worries, fears, and the sadness of missing someone’s presence to overwhelm us. But God has given us His peace through Christ—past tense. It is available to any who will take hold of it by heeding His word. Jesus wants to be our perfect Comforter.
John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
John 14:18 “I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you.”
And though God desires for us to experience His peace, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to feel the emotions associated with the passing of a loved one. We shouldn’t suppress them, as I was so tempted to do. Death is unnatural. God did not create man to die. It is the effect of sin upon our race, and God feels every ounce of grief that we feel.
Isaiah 63:9 “In all their affliction He was afflicted…”
It’s critical to our human experience that we allow ourselves to feel the grief that death causes—that we release it—that we may acknowledge our need of His comfort. That we allow ourselves to cry for as many hours as are necessary for our soul to grasp just how precious a single life is to God—and how painful it is to be separated from those we love. In this we become one with the suffering of God Himself, at the thought of being separated from even a single one of His children. In these trials God offers His own comfort to us, so that we may be able to give it to others as well.
2 Cor. 1:4-5 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.”
Only by allowing ourselves to move through the stages of grief, are we able to realize the depth of the comfort God offers. I was tempted to believe that letting myself cry for hours was a sign of a lack of faith, but this isn’t true—it was simply a sign of how much I love Joe, and how much I will miss having him here with us. Faith is what takes hold of God’s comfort and allows us to move through the stages of grief in a healthy amount of time, as He lifts our minds to the spiritual realities of this life and the glories of the life to come. Then even when we experience moments of sadness and missing their presence, we will be reminded to bring these things to mind, and will be brought back into the peace of God which surpasses all understanding.
I feel so incredibly privileged to have been blessed with knowing Joe, and cared for by him as if I was his own daughter. I can thank God that he is sleeping peacefully in the arms of our Father, safe from all the temptations of the enemy, and the stresses of the things coming upon this world. I know that he is sealed for heaven, and my heart rejoices to think of the soon day when we will be reunited again.
1 Thess. 4:13-18 “But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words.”
1 Cor. 15:20-23 “But now Christ is risen from the dead, and has become the first-fruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since by man came death, by Man also came the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive. But each one in his own order: Christ the first-fruits, afterward those who are Christ’s at His coming…”
1 Cor. 15:51-58 “Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed—in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. … So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.” “O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?” … Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.”
💛
