“Growing in Grace” Couples’ Devotional | Day 2

The Affection of Christ

Paul had “the affection of Christ” towards the Philippian believers. What is Christ’s affection like? Consider its attributes, and meditate upon whether you have this affection towards your spouse.

This Greek verb translated “affection” is used throughout the gospels to describe Christ’s compassion for people. (For some examples, read Matt. 9:36, 14:14, 15:32, 20:34, Mark 1:41, 6:34, 8:2, Luke 7:13, and 10:33) Why did He feel this compassion towards them? For a variety of reasons… They were physically or mentally weary, harassed, sick, injured, hungry, needing spiritual direction and encouragement, mourning the death of loved ones, etc.

When our spouses experience the common trials of life, do we show them the unconditional compassion of Christ? Sadly, we may actually find it easier to extend this compassion towards others than towards our own spouse, because in many ways the world has taught us that love and compassion should be earned or deserved by those closest to us. Yet this mindset often doesn’t apply to strangers. For example, a homeless individual on the side of the street has done nothing to earn our compassionate care, but this doesn’t cause us to withhold it if God impresses us to extend love to them. Yet we can often be guilty of withholding tender, loving care from our own spouses because we feel they haven’t earned it! We may feel that because they have failed to show it to us, we shouldn’t show it to them. But this is not the way of Christ. If Jesus only poured out His love upon those who earned it, we’d all be in big trouble. It is impossible to earn or deserve God’s love, because His love for us is not based on our performance, but simply on our identity as His children. This must become our mindset as well; not only in our marriages, but in all of our relationships. Jesus has never withheld affection from a single soul in need of it.

John 6:37 “…The one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out.”

We also see that Christ showed warm physical affection. In John 13:23, the disciple John leaned restfully upon Jesus’ chest, and in Matt. 19:14 we see Him receiving and blessing little children with open arms. Physical affection comes more easily to some of us than to others, and heavily depends upon whether we experienced it growing up (and whether those experiences were positive or negative). But even if physical affection is not your first love language, it can always be cultivated. My husband was (and still is) a wonderful example to me of the power of physical affection in displaying the love of Christ to those we meet. It was one of the first things I noticed when we began spending time together; that whether someone was a close relative or a complete stranger, they were embraced by him in a hug that said, “You are my family.” He genuinely cared to know how they were doing, and his freely bestowed affection usually made it easy for people to open up to him. He never met strangers, only new friends. And not surprisingly, he was also great with children—easily making them smile and laugh, and gaining their friendship within minutes of interaction. In the beginning, this was honestly quite uncomfortable for me to witness, only because it caused deep conviction of my own lack in this area. But by God’s grace, both Him and my husband have been helping me learn to let my walls down and become a more warm and affectionate witness for Christ, and I have certainly noticed the positive impact. 

Physical affection also has an important role within the divine pattern of headship—God as the head of Christ, Christ as the head of man, and man as the head of woman (I Cor. 11:3). As we mentioned, John affectionately rested in the bosom of Christ, reflecting his complete trust and comfort within His Saviour’s authority and care. This is paralleled spiritually by how Jesus rests in the bosom of His Father (John 1:18), and thus how God intends for woman to rest in the bosom of man. Notice from what God created the woman, as truly, nothing that He does is arbitrary… 

Genesis 2:21-22 “And the LORD (Yahweh) God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.”

God reached within the bosom of man, beneath his arm and close to his heart, to take the material from which He would create woman. And as the woman was taken from man’s bosom, God intends that she should find comfort and rest there. This type of embrace is comforting and encouraging for the man as well, as he feels his wife’s contentment and trust in his protection and authority. 

Abounding Love in Knowledge & Discernment

Your wedding day is meant to be only the beginning of love, not the climax that only decreases from that point onward. God’s will is that your agape (unconditional) love for each other will grow deeper and stronger each day. He desires that as our knowledge of our spouse grows day by day, so will our love for them.

Every fault and weakness will be revealed in the closeness of the marriage relationship, and many of these will be exposed within the first year. The devil wants these negative qualities to cause us to harden our hearts against our spouses, but God wants these to compel us to more earnest prayer, love, grace, and service towards them; for the refinement of both partners’ characters (no one is perfect!). Our knowledge also grows of the wonderful, Christlike traits that God has developed in our spouses, and these should be focused on, mentioned often, and encouraged! As Paul said, “approve the things that are excellent.” Allow these positive qualities of your spouse to be a constant, uplifting reminder of how far God has brought them, and His faithfulness to finish the work!

Practical Tip! When you become irritated by a perceived fault of your spouse, before saying anything, take a deep breath, and thank God for 10 (specific) positive and praiseworthy qualities of your spouse. Next, pray for God to convict them about this fault, and say nothing. If your spouse is open to the voice of God, you will often save yourself from even having to address the issue. (Trust me…. The Holy Spirit is much better at convicting our spouses’ hearts than we could ever be.) And if it continues to be a problem, being in a mindset of thankfulness for their good qualities will allow you to approach the subject with a heart saturated with love and grace, and displace any spirit of judgment or condemnation towards them.

It is also God’s will that we grow in discernment in our relationships. It’s important that we reflect often on what things have proven to be helpful and hurtful to the closeness of our marriage. We all make mistakes, and there will be times that you do or say things that hurt your spouse. But if we take these opportunities to learn together and grow in grace, we can come out of these trials even stronger, and with greater discernment to prevent such events in the future.

Sincere & Without Offense

Openness and honesty are critical for any healthy marriage, but it’s important that we strive to be “without offense” towards our spouse. A critical, condemning, judgmental spirit will never create the changes you wish to see in your home. A friend once told me that one of the keys to a good marriage is to leave about four things a day unsaid. This is not dishonest, this is wise.

Proverbs 10:19 “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.”

Count your marriage as more precious than gold, and deeply consider whether the thing you want to say to your spouse will be helpful or hurtful.

Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue…”

Proverbs 12:18 “There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health.”

You can choose to only speak words of life, hope, love, and encouragement to your spouse. Make this your job, and let God take care of the rest!

Filled with the Fruits of Righteousness

Pray earnestly for the fruits of the Spirit, and consider whether your spouse experiences these fruits in you.

Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…”

Think of these fruits as the food which nourishes your spouse. Has your loved one been able to partake of these fruits each day, or have they been left to starve? Take note also of the works of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21) and consider these to be like poison to your spouse. (Make sure to especially notice those in the list that may be less commonly considered as “evil”—contention, jealousy, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissentions, etc…) If we make an earnest commitment to follow Christ’s example in loving our spouse, and pray daily for His Spirit to dwell within us and change our hearts, God is faithful to fill our marriage to overflowing with the fruits of His righteousness.